Partners who live together typically come to this significant place in their relationship in one of two ways – what some clinicians call “sliding versus deciding.” Moving in together can just kind of happen without too much thought, or it can be carefully considered and planned.
Some couples may see living together as a test for future marriage. For others, marriage is not a goal, so living together may be the ultimate statement of their commitment.
I have been a relationship therapist and researcher for over 25 years, specializing in intimate relationships. Based on my research and clinical experience, I recommend that couples discuss the significance of sharing a home before they merge households. Doing so gives partners an opportunity to set realistic expectations, negotiate household roles and practice their communication.
My colleagues and I developed a list of topics partners should talk about before moving in together – or even after, if the moving boxes are already unpacked. These topics are organized into three main categories.
1. Expectations
Why do you want to move in together? What is the purpose? Will it lead to marriage? Many relationships struggle with the intersection of reality and expectation.
Clients tell me that their expectations of living together are often based on what they grew up with – for example, “My mom had dinner on the table every evening at 6 p.m. I expect the same of my partner.” Expectations also extend to intimacy, such as, “Now that we are sharing a bed, we can have sex all the time.”
Conversations about what this stage of commitment means for the relationship and how it affects each individual’s identity are part of this negotiation. Is moving in together “practice” for marriage? Are we moving into one of our current places, or finding a new home together? How will we split up the household finances? How frequently will we be intimate? Will we get a pet?
Understanding what will and won’t change helps smooth this transition, making space for conversations about the nitty-gritty of living together.
2. Household roles
As people launch from their childhood homes, the household rules they grew up with – both the ones they liked and the ones they hated – tend to come along for the ride.
Decide who will do what.
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It’s important for couples to talk about how they plan to handle mundane day-to-day tasks, such as dishes, trash, cooking, cleaning and so on. My colleagues and I recommend couples start these conversations by stating their strengths. If you like grocery shopping but hate cooking, first offer to do what you prefer. Talk through the different needs of your household – including finances, pets, kids, cars and so on – and try to find some balance in the division of responsibilities.
During these negotiations, remember to keep in mind each person’s obligations…
