To be talked about or to be ignored, which is better? It’s not a Shakespearean question, but one that a research team led by a University of Mississippi professor wanted to answer.
Decades of research on ostracism have shown that even subtle or brief instances—such as being ignored by a stranger—can threaten our most basic psychological needs, said Andrew Hales, an Ole Miss assistant professor of psychology.
“When someone ostracizes you, even if it’s just momentarily, even if it’s just a stranger, it makes you feel like an outsider,” Hales said. “It makes you feel bad about yourself. It makes you feel momentarily meaningless.”
Add gossip to the mix, and the situation quickly becomes an even trickier psychological riddle.
“Gossip has a bad reputation for a reason: no one wants to be talked about behind their back,” he said. “But at the same time, people don’t want to be ignored either. So, if your only options are being gossiped about or being seen as so insignificant that no one even mentions you, both feel negative, just in very different ways.
“This research set out to explore what happens when those two powerful social motives collide.”
Hales teamed with Meltem Yucel, a postdoctoral researcher in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke University, and Selma Rudert, a professor of social psychology and society at the University of Kaiserlautern-Landau in Germany, to tackle this question.
Yucel has studied gossip across different age groups, from young children to college students, and how it influences friendships and social dynamics. She became interested in gossip as a child in Turkey, where she attended Day of Gold gatherings, traditional events where women eat, drink, and gossip.
“When I was a kid, if I ever wanted to comment on gossip, I’d be shushed or told not to get involved in adult conversations,” Yucel said. “So, I was always curious—why is it OK when adults do it, but not kids?
“That question stuck with me for a long time, and it wasn’t until my Ph.D. that I finally had the chance to really research it.”
For this study, the researchers asked volunteers to imagine being at a party where people who leave become the subject of conversation. When they leave the party, they’re asked: would you rather be talked about or not?
Openness to gossip by scenario and target in Study 4, N = 397. Bars represent mean response, and error bars represent standard errors of the mean. © Self and Identity (2025). DOI: 10.1080/15298868.2025.2467737
The researchers conducted five experiments with more than 1,000 participants to explore the question through different variations.
Their results were published recently in the journal Self and Identity.
“People would rather be gossiped about positively than negatively,” Hales said. “But one thing that really surprised me is that within each of those, the preferences were not universal. About a third of participants said they didn’t want to be the focus of positive gossip.
“While the reasons aren’t fully clear, it’s possible they view positive gossip as potentially insincere or worry it could quickly turn negative.”
The researchers found that gender and narcissism are key predictors of a desire to be the focus of gossip, even when it’s negative. On average, 15% of individuals with this preference tend to be narcissists, and men are more likely than women to exhibit this desire.
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“Narcissists often feel entitled and special, so they may believe gossip about them is positive, even if it’s clearly negative,” Hales said. “More likely, though, they prefer negative attention over being ignored altogether.”
According to the research, most people dislike being the target of negative gossip—about 85% are opposed to it. However, positive gossip is generally welcomed with around 64% of people liking it. Still, nearly 1 in 3 people are uncomfortable with positive gossip.
This could be due to a lack of control, suspicion of hidden negativity, or cultural/religious beliefs against gossip.
Another key finding is that gossip isn’t inherently bad, Yucel said. It can serve important social functions. When done with good intentions and without lies, even negative gossip can help groups maintain fairness and accountability, she said.
“Gossip is ubiquitous,” Hales said. “It’s very common for people to talk about people. We’re social animals, and social animals are fascinated with other people, and they’re going to talk about them when they aren’t present.
“Like all things in life, it’s wise to be compassionate and thoughtful and deliberate about what you choose to share about other people.”
More information:
Andrew H. Hales et al, Openness to being gossiped about: understanding gossip from the target’s perspective, Self and Identity (2025). DOI: 10.1080/15298868.2025.2467737
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University of Mississippi
Citation:
Narcissistic men are drawn to gossip, study finds (2025, May 7)
